I have been neglecting this blog a lot lately, for no reason at all. Weird much?
I think it's a result of my laziness mixed with my lil depression - I mean, I think I spend more time crying over nothing than 'taking care' of my blog during this May. Ugh, I really need to fix my weird mentality.
Yeah, I cried a lot recently. Ugly crying that sucked buckets of tears out of me.
Why? Like I said I was depressed... but it is no biggie tho since I am weird like that lol
Plus, I am good at curbing my depression at work with my awful singing.
*even my coworkers' stares couldn't stop me lol*
But recently, I have been having thoughts in my head.
I. AM. UNHAPPY. WITH. WHERE. I. AM. RIGHT. NOW.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and the convo somehow swerved into conversation bout uni life.
And then bam, I realized I still wanna study in a uni too, though it has been almost four years since I gave up on that dream.
I think I cried a lot thinking bout the chances I have passed few years ago..
I mean, it's like a break up over an ex and you suddenly realized that they were the best for you but you cannot have them back because they've moved on - it's even more depressing than any Korean Melodramas huhu
It's a creepy thought and my family was creeped out when I sent out some texts about wanting to quit my job.. Just a simple text saying I wanna quit my job.
My lil brother who's in the POLI didn't care.
My sister was just curious. But somehow they made my mom call me.
So the other day, my mom called to ask why do I wanna quit my job..
The funny thing is I couldn't bring myself to say that I wanna quit my job because I wanna continue my studies. I wanted to utter the words " I wanna continue with my studies" so badly but I stopped myself.
Why did you think I let go of those chances a couple of years ago?
Because of my mom.
She said "Working is the best, right?"
and she said. "You don't have to study in a Uni now, right?"
So I went and told her that I am now feeling too lazy to work (not really a lie because it's quite true).
We laughed over it and we didn't talk about it anymore.
It was like a few years ago in repeat:
me unable to say anything and her making the decision for me again.
This depressed me.
So I thought about it again a few days ago.
And I have decided to go with what my heart says this time,
and I'll try to get into a uni next year, with my mom's blessing.
How am I gonna convince her? I am not sure because I am just at my second year of working at my workplace and I am not a confirmed worker too at that.
It is a government post that my mom values a lot ( our family does not have a fixed income and my job is the only fixed income we have, despite being a small one at that) and I am not sure how she's gonna view my decision once I presented it to her, hopefully soon.
To be honest, I don't mind the low ranking and low income job, because I actually like it a lot.
It's comfortable and my coworkers are super nice especially the boss.
I love studying more than I do working at the moment.
I mean, why on Earth did I study like crazy for my UPSR, PMR and SPM if it wasn't because I wanted to enter a nice uni doing a nice course to get a nice job?
If I planned on just getting any job, I shouldn't have bothered studying so hard..
But the problem would lie in convincing my mom tho, to convince her to let me study again.
We have had mini talks about it before, with her asking a few times when I am gonna go study again and where I wanna go study again (because she actually expected me to do so - while not wanting me to do so because it costs money instead of making money). And another thing about a full time enrolment would be, I would have to give up on my current job.
Throwing away a must thing (a fixed job) for an uncertain thing (another job after graduation?) is such a huge gamble too and I am not sure whether someone who is from a poor family like me should gamble on that..
She wants me to do PJJ which I am strongly against because I don't want to do PJJ because I'd die of boredom. - So it'd be my will against hers. (I think she had some talk with my older sister about this hence she being so convinced that I should do PJJ instead of a full time enrolling which makes me hate them a bit because it's annoying for them to decide what I should do while allowing others in the family to do what they wanna do - like my lil brother and the sister herself, they got to continue their studies while I can't)
I am not sure how I'll convince my mom to allow me to study but I hope Allah will ease the way because I really want to do it so bad ( I mean, I even cried so hard thinking bout it.. )
As for my course, I only have to opt for diploma programmes now because I am a few years late already to enrol in full programmes.
But I am still not sure which course I'd go with because as a Science stream student, I feel attracted to the Diploma in Science.. ( But I hate Chemistry with a passion! I even skipped studying Chemistry during my School years because I hated it that much - which made me so shocked that I didn't flunk my Chemistry paper in SPM..)
But at the same time my passion for the English language is pulled by the gravity of the Diploma in English at UPSI.. But I don't think the English diploma would do me good tho because of the the job scope (as a teacher? I don't think I can handle the stress.. and other jobs? sounds unfamiliar).
My last choice is the Diploma Pentadbiran Awam. It'd help in getting lotsa jobs and is one of the requirements for a good position in the goverment offices. Sounds amazing right?
Plus it'll also enable me to pursue a career towards law which I had to give up a few years ago.
However, everything sounds alien to me when I checked the syllabus.
And it has a PJJ option too which would make my mom try even harder to make me do PJJ.
I think I'll give it an even more serious talk after I have "THE TALK" with my mom about the quit and study thingy soon (I will try to talk to her during Ramadhan because the Shaitaan would be away so that my mom won't be influenced by them lol plus she's at my sister's place at the moment and talking via phone bout everything sounds so not cool!)
What do you guys think? Opinions and advises are really welcomed :)