Thursday, January 1, 2015

I'm Giving Up

When I was little, I watched a movie with my sister.
I dont know what was the title but one thing for sure,
It was about a girl who went from Homeless to Harvard.
Her parents were drug addicts.
They were poor.
Her friends were white trashes.
Her sister was not there for her.
She was an abandoned kid.
But she was smart.
A genius.
And she loved knowledge.
But when her parents' addiction got worse,
And her mom died,
She went Homeless
And Schoolless.
She lived on the streets.
She had to work at restaurants to support herself.
But she wanted a better life,
So between working her ass off
And tryna keep a food in her stomach,
She studied hard to change her life.
Real hard.
And her effort finally landed her a scholarship to Harvard!
She didnt have the best background, but she had a high spirit.
I wanted to be that girl too!
I wanted to get out of my small town and
Step my foot at Harvard too.
I wanna be well educated too!
I had a better life than her anyway,
my father wasnt too bad and he wasnt a drug addict.
Mom was workaholic but she wasnt a drug addict too.
We werent rich, but we werent poor too.
I was luckier than her, right?
I worked hard to excel at school,
Because unlike her,
I am not smart, not a genius.
I didnt actually failed.
I was actually doing okay.
But unlike that girl that went to Harvard,
I was not meant for University life I guess.
I had the chance, the opportunity.
It was handed, nicely wrapped, to me.
I wanted to take it, badly.
I really did.
But I didnt.
Because like I said, maybe University life is not meant for me.
Doesnt mean I am contently happy with that tho.
When I saw selfies of my friend wo got to enjoy the life in Uni, I felt jealous.
When I heard bout their struggles with studies, I felt envy in my heart.
When I saw them living the life I wanted, I wanted to cry.
I did better than most of them at school.
I had better offer than them when it comes to Unis.
Why did they get to have what I cant have?
Why did life has to be so cruel tempting me with stuff I cant have?
Did I work hard like the Harvard girl did? I did.
Did I love knowledge just like her? I did.
Did I dream of Harvard like her? I did.
What went wrong?
Nothing, because sometimes you dont get what you want.
You can cry like crazy over it, you can beg hard for it but
You. Still. Wont. Get. To. Have. It.
If I wanted it so badly, why not try harder to get it?
Because sometimes,
when it comes to what you want
and what others want
You gotta deny what the heart says,
and follows what you're told to do.
I have cried enough to realize that bitter truth.
So as of 2015,
Am. Letting. That. Dream. Go.
Because through the frustration,
the desperation,
the temptation,
the tears,
the cries,
the anger,
the jealousy,
and the unhappiness,
I learned that
Certain stuff are just not meant to happen.


  1. My university phase was delayed for one year. it's ok, you will have better, greater. insha Allah there will be a right time for u.

  2. Inshaallah, thanks for the support hun! Maybe I'll get there one day or I might find something better, I simply don't give much thought to it anymore, just let it roll lol